Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize