I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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