First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
