i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
