Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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