never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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