Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
