i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
