The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
