When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
