so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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