Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
