Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't put those talents on a resume
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
