you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
