Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize