Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
