theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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