one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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