i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
