you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize