Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
