her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
