Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Congratulations! We have a period
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
