hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
