it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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