I'm eating all of the evidence.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Is it penis luge time yet?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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