is your mom at the bar?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
