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Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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