If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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