I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
