I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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