There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
