for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize