I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
