HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
