If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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