Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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