Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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