I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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