I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
