my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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