Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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