I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
