I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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