Umm I'm too high to move.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
