the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
