Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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