I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you had me at cake vodka
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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