1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
