Apparently you make a good broom.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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