Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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