We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
