I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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