I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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