he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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