i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
