Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize