Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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