My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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