I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize