Define "chronic" masturbator.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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