I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
As shirtless as possible
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
