Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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