There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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